I scanned my face into ‘NBA 2K17’ and the results were nightmarish

Have you ever found yourself playing a sports video game and thought, “you know, this just looks too realistic“?

Have you ever wanted to strike fear in the hearts of your opponents by making them play against an immensely talented, but eternally miserable creature made from your own image?

Thanks to the new My NBA 2K17 mobile app, it’s easier than ever to slap your own visage onto a virtual body and dunk on fools. Before, you needed a PlayStation Camera or a Kinect for Xbox, but now you can just use your phone. The whole process takes about a minute.

I had a grand adventure with the game’s face scanning tech over the weekend, and I’d like to share it with you:


I didn’t plan on scanning my face into “NBA 2K17,” but as soon as I found it was so easy, I couldn’t resist. Before we get into the nitty gritty of it, here’s the game’s version of Draymond Green, so you know how good the players usually look.

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2K

After taking a picture with the My NBA 2K17 mobile app and linking it to my PlayStation account, the game was instantly able to get started with the scanning process. In the beginning, things were fine:

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2K

After a minute or two, it starts mapping my real face onto the wireframe bust we saw before. I love this. This is the most cyberpunk thing I’ve ever seen and I am here for it, let me tell you.

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2K

This is what it eventually spit out and… oh no. No, no, no. It’s so close, yet so far. For the record, I have normal human eye sockets that are capable of blinking, unlike my friend here.

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2K

The game wasn’t smart enough to give me hair, so I had to do it myself. This is the closest I could find, even though it looks like my real hair if I just woke up and did nothing to it in the morning. As you can see, his stare suggests a level of unknowable, inescapable torment. He wants to die, but he exists only to dunk.

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2K

I named him Yelix Garbage Man. Yelix is my go-to name for created characters (long story) and Garbage Man is, inexplicably, on the list of stock last names the in-game announcers will actually say out loud during games. Here he is as he leads the Michigan State Spartans to a national championship in college.

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2K

Here’s a cutscene from the game’s story where you play video games with your college teammate. It’s like looking into a mirror, really.

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2K

For some reason, the Denver Nuggets entrusted this basketball goblin to bring the floundering franchise to the promised land. I can’t stress enough just how much he looks like he wants to be put out of his misery.

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2K

To be fair, he put up a pretty solid stat line for a rookie point guard coming off the bench in his first game. If/when he’s the best player in the league, I just don’t know how the NBA is going to market this monstrosity to casual fans. He looks like a forest troll trying to ward off travelers.

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2K

As a consolation prize for making it through this slideshow alive, here’s a picture of some cats hanging out with a PS4. It’s the least I could do.

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Fire Hose Games